As the world is rightly aware, and has been widely reported, Kim Jong-un told his people to prepare to eat roots again. However, this is not due to famine as most media has speculated. In fact, Kim Jong-un has just eaten all of the food in North Korea; the country is known in Japanese as 北朝鮮 (kita cho sen). It can now be disclosed why he has eaten all of the food. He’s been preparing to take the sumo world by storm. His debut will come in May. A source close to the dick-tater has revealed, exclusively to the Tachiai blog, a picture of his training (right). The now former Kim Jong-un has taken on the shikona 太っ朝 (ふとっちょ Eng: Futotcho).

The Tachiai blog wishes Futotcho the best in his new chosen career. Due to his stature, he will debut in the makuuchi division directly at the rank of Maegashira 7. He’s ballooned to such girth that odds makers are giving him a 25% chance of winning his debut tournament, only 15% less of a chance as being given to current champion, Hakuho. If he is able to win the May yusho, he will earn enough rice to feed 15% of the country…provided he hasn’t gorged himself on it before he leaves the Kokugikan.

*Update (4/1): We regret to inform that our anonymous source was discovered and has been executed. For the crime of this leak, he was dried and smoked to death and his corpse was shaved into katsuobushi-like flakes.